


The Things Lara Jean Knew For Certain

by bbggoodd



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Elements from Both the Book and Movie, F/M, Some Lara Jean and Josh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 21:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15737862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbggoodd/pseuds/bbggoodd
Summary: Here are the list of things Lara Jean Song Covey knows for certain:1.	Margot and Josh will be together forever.	(Addendum: as soon as they get back together.)2.	She’s a terrible driver. Like epically bad.3.	Kitty is a tiny bit spoiled.4.	She misses her mom.5.	Peter Kavinsky is – and excuse the swear word – a dickhead. (Addendum: sometimes.)A retelling of the love letters.





	1. The Beautiful Troublemaker

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly a retelling, so it doesn't necessarily follow the books or movies. There's elements of both, but also some major differences.

i. Margot and Josh will be together forever

 

The first time Lara Jean thinks about sex, like truly thinks about it, she’s thirteen, it’s the summer before her freshman year, and she’s watching Josh and Margot watch a French film.

They’re in the den. The couple, that is. L.J. is all but spying from behind the semi-closed door, peaking at both the movie and Josh’s hands pretty much simultaneously. Not that Josh’s hands are on Margot or anything; they couldn’t be farther away from her, actually. He’s sitting at one end of the couch, while she sits at the other, as they watch the film – both of their faces pointed straight at the TV so incredibly intensely, Lara Jean knows it’s so they don’t accidentally look at one another. 

Lara Jean, on the other hand, cannot stop looking at them – looking at Margot’s rigid back and heavy breathing and at Josh’s arms, one thrown up and over as if they should be around a shoulder while the other is on the armrest, hand closed in a tight fist. L.J. would almost think they’re sitting so far apart to appease a father that’s not even home yet, but Lara Jean’s pretty sure that if Dad walked in right now, the first thing he would see is the television screen – the one currently showing a naked woman pose for a man.

A wave of embarrassment washes over Lara Jean as the man touches her, and it makes her sprint upstairs back to her room. She shuts the door behind her with a slam that was probably too loud and goes to bed, completely perplexed and bewildered and confused.

Why is her sister watching that, and better question, how is she watching that with Josh? Isn’t that too _much_ for them? They’re kids…aren’t they?

There’s a knock at her door, but before she can say anything, Margot walks in. “Hey, you okay?” she asks, and L.J. stares at her older sister. Margot’s cheeks aren’t pink like Lara Jean’s are, and if she didn’t know better, she would think nothing weird was happening at all.

“Yep.” L.J. says quickly, grabbing a plush toy and holding it in front of her body. She hugs it to her chest and scoots up to her pillows. Margot sighs and follows her into her bed. “Isn’t Josh over? You should go back to him.”

Margot gives her a critical look and doesn’t say anything in a long pregnant pause. “You’re okay with Josh and me dating, right?” she finally says, frowning a little.

“Of course!” Lara Jean’s voice is too high. “Of course.” She repeats with a smile. “You two are super cute.”

Margot tilts her head but accepts her sisters answer. “Good, because I really like him.” Margot confesses in a whisper, and Lara Jean’s heart sinks. “He’s really… respectful. I love that about him.”

Lara Jean shifts. “You love him?”

Margot blinks and also shifts. “Um…” She shrugs. “I don’t know. We just started dating. But…” she trails off, before getting off the bed. “He’s all I see, you know? It’s like whenever I walk down the hall, my eyes go straight to him. Does that makes sense?”

L.J. smiles and puts her head on her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs. Her plushie gets squashed in between her body. “Totally.” She whispers with a sigh, and Margot kisses her forehead.

“Careful. You’re suffocating your bear. Oh wait. It’s a dog.” Margot teases her, pulling the plush away from L.J. “And who’s this? I’ve never seen him before.” She shakes the dog, making his ears dance a little.

Lara Jean takes a better look at the plushie. Honestly, she had only grabbed the toy before to hide the fact that her breasts were definitely a bit _bumpy_. Immediately, her face turns into a grimace. Of course, she grabbed _that_ stuffed animal to cover herself. “Oh, that’s just… a dog.” She says lamely, and Margot gives her another one of her looks so she sighs. “His name is Peter Barker.”

Margot’s eyebrows go up. “Like… Spider-Man?”

L.J. sighs again, deeply and dramatically. She grabs the stuffed dog and throws it across the room. “I didn’t name it!” She excuses herself before realizing her mistake.

Margot is quick. “Oh, then who did?” L.J. groans, throwing her head back onto her pillow and then her arms over her face. “Come on, tell me.”

“No one important. Just Peter Kavinsky.” Lara Jean admits in a mutter, and Margot groans with an amused, “Oh, no. Him again?” attached.

“Him who?”

Lara Jean sits up immediately and brings her knees up to her chest again before looking at the doorway. Josh (and his hands) is leaning against the wall, looking confused.

Margot snorts. “There’s this boy in L.J.’s class that used to have this massive crush on her back when – how old were you? Fourth grade? – and he was super obvious about it. He stole his mother’s perfume and gave it to L.J. as a present, which could have been cute, but then he also stole his mother’s engagement ring and put it in a cupcake. Lara Jean almost choked.”

Lara Jean flushes but says nothing. Josh looks shocked, which makes her feel even worse. “Wait. He proposed to Lara Jean, and he didn’t bother to tell her not to eat the cupcake? What a guy.” Josh says, judgment filtering into his voice. L.J. frowns. “Who was it, anyway? Do I know him?”

“Probably not.” Lara Jean says. “He’s in my grade, and he’s not that crazy popular or anything. We were really good friends when we were really young.” She explains further before grimacing, adding in a purposely lowered voice, “But then the _crush_ started."

“It was sweet.” Margot provided with a slight smile.

Lara Jean groaned loudly. “No!” she disagrees, crossing her arms. “He ruined middle school for me!”

“The crush is still going?” Josh asks with a little too much surprise.

L.J. tries to not show how hurt she is when she answers. “No.” She tells him, rolling her eyes. “Ugh. I’m not telling the story right.” She says, waving her hands as if she’s wiping away what she already said. “Okay, so Peter K. and I were paired up together all the time when we were in first grade, so we became really good friends. We would have play dates, and our moms were really close, and it was a lot of fun, right? So that continues for like three years, except now I had another best friend, Gen, and the three of us would always hang out. So, then, one day Gen tells me she likes Peter, and I didn’t know how to deal with it because I thought it would break our group up.”

She takes a deep breath before continuing. “But Gen wasn’t planning on doing anything. We were like nine, but then everyone started teasing Peter because it was quote unquote _“obvious”_ he liked someone, and I thought that was Gen, but apparently it was me. After he was exposed, everything fell apart. He started, like, sitting next to me all the time… I mean, he was already sitting next to me before I knew he liked me, but it was different. He would exclusively talk just to me, and he would buy me candy all the time. And okay, it was sweet.” L.J. admits with a grumble to her sister, who laughs.

Looking back at Josh, she finishes the story – ignoring the fact that he’s leaning against her bedroom wall, looking like he could be a poster on it. “But Gen liked him, and every day Gen became meaner and meaner, so Peter stopped hanging out with her. And then it became me and him again, and then the perfume and then the cupcake – which by the way, if you present a girl a cupcake, it shouldn’t be a shock that she tries to eat it – and then came John Ambrose McClaren’s party in our fifth grade.” 

“What happened at John Ambrose McClaren’s party?” Josh asks, looking amused.

L.J. flushes again, and Margot steps in, “He kissed her.”

“It was spin the bottle!” Lara Jean explains quickly before deflating. “But it happened in front of Gen, and then… I don’t know. Everything changed, again. Gen officially stopped talking to me. It didn’t help that she got super pretty and every boy wanted her. Not that she stopped wanting Peter, though, and I guess our kiss meant nothing to him because he started dating her the following week. I haven’t talked to either of them in years. Well, that’s a lie – Gen is constantly making my life hell, but like, no real conversations. And Peter talked to me, like, once, but that doesn’t count. It was after mom.”

“Wow.” Is all that Josh says. “Quite a drama.”

Margot snickers, going over to the far corner of L.J.’s room. “What I don’t understand is where did Peter Barker come from?”

“It’s Parker. And what?”

Ignoring Josh, Margot picks up the thrown dog, looking at it critically. The stuffed animal is of a beagle, complete with large ears and a cute, pink button nose. Lara Jean settles forward, letting her cool hand rest against her burning cheek. “Um, the carnival.”

“The carnival?” Margot repeats, coming back to her bed with raised eyebrows.

“Ugh!” Lara Jean groans. “I’m tired of talking about Peter. He’s annoying.”

“Oh, no you don’t. This doesn’t look like it’s five years old. Peter Barker looks brand new.”

Lara Jean doesn’t answer, shifting into herself. Josh must notice because he suddenly comes forward and grabs Margot around her waist. “Why don’t we watch some episode of The Office? Come on, L.J., you can join us if you want.”

Margot leans into Josh’s arms, and Lara Jean looks away. “No, you guys go. Although…” she trails off, clearing her throat. “I thought you guys were watching a movie.” She asks nonchalantly, and Margot looks at her suspiciously. Josh, on the other hand, blushes and shrugs.

“It wasn’t very good.” He forces a smile at L.J. before stepping away from Margot, his long fingers slowly leaving her older sister’s waist before coming down to her hands. Their fingers interlock, and the couple turn to each other, smiling shyly at one another. Lara Jean watches as her sister’s cheeks turn pink and then she watches as her sister goes on her toes to kiss Josh on the cheek and then she watches as Josh gives her a large grin, and then she stops watching altogether. Closing her eyes, Lara Jean goes backwards onto her bed again and her arm brushes against something fuzzy.

Without opening her eyes, she grabs Peter Barker and hugs him to her chest. “I think I’m going to read.” She tells the couple, snapping her eyes open. They look at her and nod, distracted, and then with laced fingers, they walk out of her room discussing potential episodes to watch. Lara Jean stays in bed for a moment before rushing to the doorway, spying on them as they go down the stairs.

Margot is looking elegant and beautiful. Happy. Any previous embarrassment the couple shared is forgotten, and they are back to joking, back to hand holding and smiles, back to them. At the foot of the stairs, Josh pauses them and leans down to kiss Margot straight on the mouth, intertwining his fingers into her long black hair. Margot stands on her toes, reaching up to kiss him back, and yeah, Lara Jean knows she’s evil.

Tears blind her and she closes the door to her room softly so the couple doesn’t hear. She goes to her desk, Peter Barker firmly pressed against her racing heart, and she grabs the stationary her mother brought her when Lara Jean was ten. Making a pit stop to her closet, she grabs a teal hat box, also given to her by her late mother, and sprints back to her bed.

She knows what she has to do.

Josh and Margot aren’t a fling. They are a bonafide couple. Although Lara Jean doesn’t go to school with them yet, she knows they sit together every day at lunch, where Margot will give Josh the chips she always complains he steals from her. She knows they have twelve different songs because they think every song fits them. She knows they do jigsaw puzzles when they’re bored. She knows Margot hates superhero movies but will read comics with Josh. She knows Josh has tried to be more mature for Margot, probably the reason they were even watching a racy French film in the first place. She knows them, and she knows they will be together forever.

So with a sigh, and a stuffed dog in her lap, she does what she has done only once before – when she was in fifth grade and her secret crush kissed her during spin the bottle – and writes:

 

_Dear Josh._

a. (Addendum: as soon as they get back together)

 

Over the years, a couple more letters get written: one to John Ambrose McClaren, after a rousing model UN meet, one to a kid named Kenny, who saved a boy from drowning at summer camp, and one to Lucas James, who will forever have better style than her. Five in total. Lara Jean hides them in her teal hatbox, deep in her closet away from her older sister’s prying eyes and her little sister’s wandering hands, and for the most part, she doesn’t think about them. Sometimes John Ambrose McClaren will pop in her mind and she’ll wonder if he’s still repping Brazil. Other times, Lucas will be walking down the hall talking to one of his girl friends, and she’ll wonder if there’s a space between the words. Kenny, sadly, she barely even remembers, always debating whether he had brown hair or sandy blonde.

And the other two? One basically has an open door policy in her house, and the other is the star lacrosse player every girl at school is in love with. She cannot help but be reminded by them everywhere she goes.

Josh and Margot are stronger than ever; he’s constantly over watching _Golden Girls_ with the three sisters, or helping Kitty with her homework, or being a taste tester for any baking invention Lara Jean has created. It’s suffocating at times, if she’s being honest, to the point where she barely wants to go home, and there’s been more than one time where she’s opted to go to the library after school instead of catching a ride home with Margot and Josh. There’s only so many time Lara Jean can watch Josh bring his hand, palm facing up, onto the central console, awaiting Margot’s.

And as for Peter Kavinsky – if she has to hear one more girl commiserate over Peter and Gen’s five year relationship, she will scream. Where Peter may have once been teased for having a crush on “ _the Asian girl”_ , he’s now revered as the boy who took Genevieve’s virginity. Where Peter was once the shortest boy in their class, literally all during middle school and at least the first half of the summer before high school, he’s now well over six feet. Where Peter was once always picked last when it came to sports, he’s now the best lacrosse goalie their school has seen in a decade – what, with his broad shoulders, strong arms, and hard thighs. There used to be a time when Peter – sorry, _Kavinsky_ as he now likes to be called – could not be mentioned without Lara Jean, either because they were inseparable or later when it was a joke, but now, whenever Lara Jean is brought up in relation to Kavinsky is to marvel how he, the most covert and popular jock this side of America, could have ever in his life liked her.

It's infuriating.

He’s not even that great! He’s arrogant and sarcastic, and he flirts with every girl at school, even though Gen will have them murdered later. Not that he flirts with Lara Jean, of course. He hasn’t said a full sentence to her since her mother’s funeral, but still. L.J. can just tell he’s the worst – even if it’s from several steps away.

(It’s a shame, really – one boy is too close, the other is too far.)

“Hey. What are you thinking about?”

Lara Jean jumps a foot in the air, and Josh laughs at her reaction. They’re in practically the same places they were in the night Lara Jean caught Margot and Josh watching _La Belle Noiseuse_ : her on her bed, a stuffed dog perched on her night table, and he, leaning against her doorframe, always knowing never to fully enter her room. “You looked so deep in thought. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He says with a kind smile.

She gives him an amused but reproaching look. “Don’t sneak up on me.” She tells him, getting off her bed and grabbing a robe to put over her sleep shorts. The material is fluffy and comfortable, and she tells herself she put it on for those reasons and not because she felt embarrassed he could see her skin. “Where’s Margot?” L.J. asks.

“She kicked me out. You know how your sister gets during exam season.” Josh says, rolling his eyes. “I was distracting her.”

“Yeah, sounds about right.” Lara Jean snorts, and she goes to leave her bedroom. The pair walk downstairs, L.J. leading the way, and go to the kitchen. “I was thinking about doing a cake. Should it be chocolate or red velvet? I have the cocoa powder for either.” She asks as she sets the ingredients on the counter.

“Hmm.” Josh pops his lips. “Red velvet. You know it’s my favorite.” He teases her and she shrugs coyly. They’re quiet as Lara Jean starts mixing, and when she looks up, he’s watching her. She blinks back in surprise; she’s usually the one staring. “Sorry. You just look so focused and…you know, beautiful.” Josh tells her in a whisper, laughing awkwardly at the end. Lara Jean stumbles, dropping her steel measuring cup filled with flour to the ground. The sound of the metal cup bangs against cabinets loudly on its way down.

“Oh. Thank you?” she says, heart suddenly racing, both at his words and the sound. Josh looks down at the mess she made, and L.J. dazedly does the same, the white powder covering her wooden floors like snow. “I should clean that up.” She says monotonously, before bending down and wiping the flour up with her robe. She gets some on her hands, but doesn’t realize and puts her hair behind her ear. When she stands back up, Josh laughs again, looking at her like he always looks at Margot.

“You’re a mess.” He teases her, and she grabs the bag of flour instead of answering. She inward tells her heart to calm down, that she needs to replace the flour she dropped on the flour into her batter, but then Josh is saying, “Hold on.” So she does, one hand holding her wooden spoon and the other the bag of flour. Josh comes around the counter until he’s in front of her. “You have flour everywhere, L.J.” He tells her as he brings his hands to her face. His fingers wipe away the powder she cannot see, and she stumbles backwards. 

“Oh, I’ll go clean up then.”

“I got it.” He whispers, and she freezes. His eyes look dark as they look at her, and she feels like she’s going to explode. Her first instinct is call for her sister, but her entire being feels frozen. 

Josh traces his fingers on her face and then down to her chin, where she doesn’t even know how flour could have gone, and then to her lips, where she definitely knows flour didn’t fall. He’s going to kiss her, she realizes, even though he hasn’t leaned in or anything. Not yet, at least. But he’s looking at her the same way he always looks before he gives Margot a kiss. He’s looking at her the same way Peter did back five years ago. She stands stock still, spoon in one hand, bag in the other, Margot’s name threatening to be screamed out, as he leans forward.

His hands wind down to her waist as he pulls her tense body towards him, and he gives her another dark eyed look before brushing his lips against hers.

If Lara Jean is being honest, she knows this kiss hasn’t come out of nowhere. Even though she wrote a letter to try to subdue her feelings, they never truly went away. There had been so many instances throughout the last two years where it seem like Josh might have maybe liked her back – which never made sense, because he loves Margot. “No!” She says loudly against his lips, and he jerks back, shocked. His face immediately pales and he looks vaguely sick.

“I heard something fall.”

Lara Jean and Josh both jump and look to their left, where Margot is standing at the kitchen’s doorway. Her eyes are zeroed in on Josh, hands down on either side, clenched in fists. She looks every bit as elegant as she usually does – long black hair pulled up into a tight ponytail, dress wrinkle-free – but where her face is usually so soft when looking at Josh, it’s now stony and slowly reddening.

“Margot.” Lara Jean says, her voice betraying her confidence. Margot slowly turns to look at her, eyes furious and accusing, and Lara Jean drops the bag of flour carelessly onto the floor. A puff of smoke make both Josh and her take a step back from each other, and she throws her wooden spoon onto the counter. “This isn’t…I didn’t…”

“Stop.” Margot demands, looking angrier than Lara Jean has ever seen her. She turns back to Josh. “Get out. We are done in every way possible.”

Josh blinks at her, still looking shocked. “Margot, wait. I can explain.”

“No, no, no.” Lara Jean mutters under her breath, taking a step backwards. What the hell was happening? She was baking a cake and suddenly, her sister is breaking up with the boy next door. Because of her. She turns away from the couple, who are now arguing loudly, and she puts a finger to her lips. They’re still tingling from Josh’s kiss, but not in the way they did after Peter kissed her half a decade ago. No, now they tingle with disgust. How could she be so selfish? How could Josh? Her sister will never forgive her. She will never forgive herself.

Without a second glance back to the now screaming Margot and the begging Josh – _“She’s my little sister, Josh! What did you think was going to happen?” “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I lost control!” -_  Lara Jean runs out the back door, grabbing Margot’s car keys before she does. And even though she only has her permit and her dad and the law has told her she’s not allowed to drive by herself, she jumps into Margot’s car. The tears had started sometime after she dashed out the door and they’re in full force now – blinding her as she tries to remember how to drive a car. She turns the ignition and peels out the driveway, pressing down on the gas the entire time.

She knows she should have stayed, explain things, but she didn’t know how to explain things without having to admit her feelings.

But also – she didn’t kiss him. He kissed her, and Lara Jean doesn’t know if that’s a distinction worth noting in her sister’s eyes. She doesn’t even know if there’s a distinction in her own eyes. All she knows is that Josh apparently lost his mind, because there’s no other reason as to why he would kiss her.

Her hands are shaking as she turns onto a street – Glover, a street she remembers from childhood – and she screams when the back of her car slides too far to the right. She almost loses control of her sister’s car, and she tries hard to steady it but ends up hitting the mirror off a parked minivan. She immediately stops the car, breathing so hard, she’s practically hyperventilating. She grips the steering wheel tightly. “Oh my, God. Oh my, God.” She freaks out, and she screams again when someone taps on her window.

Whipping her head towards the noise, she sees a boy with what could possibly be the most beautiful eyes she’s ever seen. He’s so tall, he has to lean down to talk to her – and talking to her is exactly what he’s doing, so she quickly lowers the window. “Covey, are you okay? What is going on?” he asks, his voice concerned and bewildered.

Of course, Lara Jean thinks. Of all the people she could have ran into while having a breakdown in the middle of a road after a minor accident while illegally driving, it had to be him.

But then, she shouldn’t have been that shocked. Peter Kavinsky has always lived on Glover Street.

  


	2. Cause A Scene

ii. She’s a terrible driver. Like epically bad.

 

The first time Lara Jean drives a car, she’s ten years old and Peter Kavinsky has just convinced her to. They’re in a nearly empty parking lot as they wait for his parents to come back from the store, and she cannot be more afraid. He’s sitting beside her in the passenger seat of his dad’s Audi, leaning forward on his seat so he can see above the dashboard. L.J., on the other hand, cannot see past the steering wheel in front of her for anything in the world, and she tells Peter, “I can’t see the road!”

“That’s because you’re a pipsqueak.”

“You’re one to talk!” Lara Jean throws back at him, and he merely smiles at her before turning back to his position – one he deems not enough and he takes off his seatbelt and climbs onto his seat, sitting up on his knees. Lara Jean does not have the same luxury. “I’ll tell you where to go.” He tells her. “You can just basically go straight forever.”

Lara Jean exhales deeply and takes her foot off the brake pedal. The car unexpected jerks forward when she slams back onto the brakes right away, and Peter almost goes flying, hitting his head against the dashboard. “Oh, god! Are you okay?” she asks panicked and he laughs, rubbing her reddening forehead.

“Yeah, I’m alright. Just try not to kill us. I don’t think you’re supposed to slam on the brakes like that.” He says, reaching over and gripping the steering wheel – well, really gripping her hand on top of the steering wheel. The car steadies and she lets go off the brake softly and they inch forward half a foot before she slams on the brakes again. His hand tightens around hers in response, and her heart all but leaps out of her chest. His other hand had gone forward to stop himself from hitting the dashboard again, and he gasps in pain. “Shit!”

Lara Jean ignores the admonish she usually gives him when he swears, and instead, widens her eyes and immediately tries to take the keys out of the ignition. She fails at pulling out the keys the first couple times, but gets it on the fourth try. By then, their hands have fallen away from each other, and her fingers instantly miss the warmth his provided. Peter is back to sitting normally, cradling his wrist. “Oh, God, Peter, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? We should find your mom.”

“No, no.” Peter shakes his head, turning and giving her a wobbly smile. “I’m okay. We should get you one of those toddler seats so you can see better next time.”

“I don’t know if I want a next time, Peter. I don’t know if I want to drive ever again.” She tells him, panic entering her voice. Peter frowns.

“You okay, L.J.?”

She thinks about lying, but Peter is her best friend and she doesn’t want to lie to him. “No. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Peter shifts and grabs her hand, all of his fingers wrapping around hers, and she’s reminded of the rumors going around school – about how he has a crush on her, how he always defends her, how he’s apparently told other boys he’s going to marry her one day. And then she remembers Gen. “That’s okay.” He says gently. “Why didn’t you say something? I wouldn’t have forced you.” Lara Jean shrugs, slipping her hand away to brush her hair out of her face – at least, she pretends that’s the reason why. She ignores the tingles that are racing through her and fearfully looks at the shop’s entrance for his parents. “Come on, let’s go back to the back.” Peter says as he climbs over the central console.

She follows suit, shaking a little as she does. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Lara Jean. We’ll figure out how to drive one day. We’ll have my dad teach us.” Peter shrugs, and L.J. sighs. “Besides, what you did was awesome! How many ten year old’s can say they drove? You’re incredible, Lara Jean.”

She blushes and elbows him. “Next time, you do it.”

Peter beams at her suddenly, and she’s caught off guard for a moment. “So there will be a next time?” He grins at her wickedly, but she’s saved from answering when the driver’s door opens. His parents are conversing amongst themselves, and Lara Jean notices their tone isn’t exactly pleasant. The kids shuffle apart and try to look innocent, but his parents are barely paying attention until his dad puts his hands out in confusion.

“Where are the keys?”

Lara Jean gives Peter a wide eyed stare, as she shows him she still has the keys in her hand. He swiftly grabs them from her and reaches over to his dad. “Sorry, Pops. Wanted to show Lara Jean the keychain Mom gave you. Here they are.”

Peter’s dad sighs and takes the keys back, starting the car. Meanwhile, Peter’s mom looks out the window. “Did you park the car in two lanes?”

Peter’s dad glares at her. “I know how to park a car, Madeline.” He says with finality, and they peel out of the parking lot in an instant. Peter and Lara Jean share a look, but they don’t say anything in fear of getting into trouble.

Unfortunately – or really, fortunately – there was no next time for them. Besides a trip to the carnival several years later, Peter and Lara Jean never were in a car together again. A week after her first time driving, there was a party and a kiss, and a week after that, he was dating someone else – and almost six years later, he’s still with Gen.

But this memory – a memory she has not thought of in years – comes rushing back to her the instant Peter Kavinsky, now sixteen, puts a hand over hers to steady the steering wheel, just like he did so many years ago. “Hey, breathe, Covey. You’re okay.” He tells her, and she looks at him through the tears in her eyes.

He’s so tall now. It’s always so jarring.

Turning away from him, she wipes her face and tries to regain control. “Here. Pull off to the side.” He instructs her, and she shakily nods but doesn’t move the car. She tries to, tries to press her foot on the gas, tries to inch the car forward, but she goes nowhere. “Ok-ay. Why don’t you get out instead and I’ll pull the car over?” he says, opening the door. Lara Jean nods, basically throwing herself out the car. Her fluffy robe twirls around her naked legs, and she pulls it tightly around her body, crossing her arms. She looks around dazedly, looking for the mirror she broke off, and misses his look of concern.

She finds the shattered mirror just to the side of the road and she rushes towards it, and he takes the opportunity to park Margot’s car. She picks up the device, surprised at how heavy it is, and looks for the minivan she hit. Going towards it, she sadly pressed the destroyed mirror against where it broke, and her shoulders fall when it obviously doesn’t stay. “I don’t think it works that way, Covey.” Peter says. She jumps at his voice, suddenly so close. He has her keys in his hands, but it’s still shocking when a _beep_ goes through the air as he locks the car. He tilts his head at her, assessing her. “You in shock, Lara Jean?”

Looking at Peter, she decides in that moment, is dangerous. He makes this whole night feel like a dream when in reality it’s been a complete nightmare. “Margot’s going to kill me. Whoever’s car this is, is going to kill me.”

“I’ll tell mom to drive our other car tomorrow. I don’t think there’s any other damage besides the mirror. Look, it doesn’t even cost that much to replace. Barely forty bucks. It’s fine. You don’t look fine, but _it’s_ fine.” He gestures at the car, letting his hand lean against the roof of the car. He must be at least half a foot taller than her, she surmises, especially since she’s barefoot.

She looks down and away from his face, and sees that he’s in his pajamas – a baseball shirt and plaid pants, quintessential boy. She tightens her robe around her again. “Hey, Covey?” his voice is soft, and she looks back up slowly. “You okay?”

(She’s reminded of a time when they were children and they were racing up a hill. She was ahead but she fell backwards, and instead of trying to win, he grabbed her hand and got pulled down with her. At the bottom of the hill, Peter had looked over and asked if she was okay. When she said she was, he started laughing brightly and she giggled uncontrollably.)

Lara Jean shakes her head, and his jaw sets and his eyes flutter, almost angrily. “Come on. Let’s go inside. We can talk there.”

He pulls her to him, tucking her into his body, and yes, okay, she remembers Gen – but she’s evil. She already knows this. What is it with her and boys that belong to other people? She breathes him in deeply, wrapping her arm around his waist and he guides her with a hand on her lower back. The tears have thankfully stopped but now the dread of the night is starting to hit her. Who cares about a broken mirror? She just ruined her relationship with her older sister – not to mention, said sister’s relationship with her boyfriend.

“What about the mirror?” Lara Jean mumbles as they reach his door.

“I’ll explain it to my mom, Covey. Don’t worry about it.” He whispers back to her, and oh, of course. The minivan is Mrs. Kavinsky’s.

Of course.

His house is still, and Lara Jean is reminded of the time. It may be a Friday but it’s itching towards ten pm. They quietly make their way upstairs to Peter’s bedroom, passing what she remembers is Mrs. Kavinsky’s room – although back then, it used to be Mr. and Mrs. Kavinsky’s room. Sometime while going up the stairs, Peter and Lara Jean had let go of each other, but their hands had laced together. She only realizes they’re still holding hands when they enter his room, and he has to let go of her to close the door. For a moment, she thinks he’s going to reach out and grab her hand, but he shakes his head almost imperceivably. “My mom is watching tv. She won’t hear us.” Peter tells her, going over to his bed.

Lara Jean looks around the room, a room from her childhood, and notices all the differences. Gone are the action figures and the Hot Wheels race tracks. Now his bookcases hold actual books and his walls are white instead of blue.

“Come on, Covey. Talk to me. You’re freaking me out.”

She sits at his desk and puts her head in her hands. “My life is pretty much over.”

Peter all but scoffs at her. “Dude. It’s a mirror.”

“Not because of the mirror, Peter.” She says sharply, and instantly regrets it. It’s not his fault he doesn’t know about Josh. He gives her a look, and wow, how does Gen do anything ever around him? He’s too beautiful. It’s almost intimidating. She sighs and looks down at his desk. His biology text book and notebook are opened, and it looks like he stopped writing mid word. She looks out his window and sees a perfect view of her car. He must have witnessed the crash and raced downstairs.

“Covey.” He reminds her, almost singing her name. “If you don’t start talking, I’m gonna call your dad. Or the police.”

“For a broken mirror?” She asks incredulously, giving Peter a betrayed look. He looks at like she’s insane.

“No, Lara Jean. Because you drive up the road and almost crash into three cars before knocking off my mirror, and then when I go to see if you’re okay, you’re crying your eyes out, wearing a robe and what looks like nothing else. Not. Even. Shoes. What am I supposed to think?”

L.J. pulls at her robe self-consciously. “I’m wearing something under my robe.” She argues, lifting the end to show her pink short shorts. “I didn’t think when I left my house.”

“Okay.” He huffs out, crossing his arms. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Covey.”

Lara Jean takes a deep breath and runs her fingers through her hair. “I ran away. Well, not like _, ran away_ ran away. But something happened, and I just knew I had to get out of there. I didn’t even know where I was going. I just… drove.”

“Okay.” He repeats, this time softer. He goes to the edge of his bed so they are across each other. Up close, she can see that his eyes still have that golden aspect to them. “Can I ask what happened at your house?” He raises one eyebrow, his eyes a little intense.

Her shoulders sag. How can she possibly tell him about Josh? “If someone kisses you, but you didn’t know they would kiss you and you weren’t planning on being kissed, is it your fault that they kissed you?” She asks, the question starting out slow and ending with her words jumbled up.

Peter blinks, and he suddenly looking at her like she should more than know the answer to that. There’s a touch of anger on his face and some horror. “Um.” He says pointedly. “No. Never.”

Lara Jean shakes her head. “I’m not telling this right.”

“Lara Jean.” He reaches out and grabs her hand. He strokes the back of it with his thumb, squeezing lightly. “Do me a favor and tell me who the fuck kissed you without your permission.” L.J. looks at him alarmed. “And don’t you dare tell me off for swearing.”

She ignores the second part of his demand. “Not if you’re going to make this a bigger scene than it already it. I’m pretty sure my sister will hate me forever. Like not one hundred percent sure, but pretty sure, and I don’t want to cement that.”

Peter huffs out again, bowing his head. He pulls her to him gently, and the computer chair rolls forward. He looks at her directly. “I won’t cause a scene unless a scene is necessary to be caused.” He promises her, and she rolls her eyes at him. His thumb goes down to her wrist as his large hand engulfs her tiny one. It’s comforting. “Now tell me what happened before I turn into Tyler Durden.”

At that, Lara Jean pauses. “Who?”

“Who? Fight Club – you know what, doesn’t matter. Let’s focus. Why would your sister hate you?”

She sighs and leans back in the chair, raising a leg up to hug to her chest. Their hands stay clasped together, although neither of them acknowledge it. “Because it was her boyfriend that kissed me.” She grumbles out, squirming.

Peter blinks and pushes his tongue against his cheek. “Sanderson?” he asks after a second, and Lara Jean hesitantly nods.

“She caught us. But like, okay.” Lara Jean starts rushing her explanation, jumbling words. “I was baking a cake and he was with me because Margot was studying, and then out of nowhere he said I was beautiful, and it threw me, you know? Because I didn’t expect to be called that, especially not while my hands were deep in mixture. And then I dropped the measuring cup and it’s one of those metal ones and it banged against the cabinet really loudly – I guess loudly enough for Margot to hear from upstairs. So Josh comes to me to help me clean up, or maybe not. I’m not sure. But he came over, and started wiping the flour from my face and then he touched my lips and then he kissed me. But the second he kissed me, I realized I did not want him kissing me at all. Like, this is my sister’s boyfriend and, and…” She stumbles, inwardly realizing something more profound.

Her crush on Josh was never real. Or maybe it was, and she never, ever wanted it realized.

“I screamed no, and he backed off right away. He looked surprised, like, he couldn’t believe what had just happened. Then Margot was there, and I just booked it. I don’t know how I’m going to handle Margot hating me.”

“Lara Jean, listen to me, Margot is never going to hate you. Especially not for this. You did not start that kiss. You did not continue that kiss. You don’t have feelings for Sanderson. She’s not going to take his side in this.”

L.J. closes her eyes. “But that’s the thing. I do have feelings for him. Or at least, I thought I did. Now I’m certain, I want nothing to do with him. God, what is wrong with me?”

Peter doesn’t respond right away, and that hurts her enough to get teary eyed again. “Nothing’s wrong with you, Covey. You had a crush on your older sister’s boyfriend. But you, you personally, you were never going to do anything, right?” He asks, squeezing her hand so she would open her eyes.

“No.” she sighs out honestly. “Never.”

“So, talk to Margot. Maybe wait a day so she doesn’t kill you, but talk to her. Sanderson is a creep for kissing you.” Lara Jean doesn’t answer, although she instinctively wants to defend Josh. “Do you want me to take you home?” Peter asks softly, bumping into her knee with his gently. “Or you can crash here and I can get the cushion bed I used to use when we were kids?”

Lara Jean sighs and pushes her hair out of her face again. She didn’t have a hair tie before she left, and it’s driving her crazy. She’s not used to having her hair down. “No, I need to go home and face this. You’re right. I need to talk to Margot. Besides I’m pretty sure if my dad finds out I drove Margot’s car when I don’t technically have my license, he’ll ground me forever. And that’s without telling him about your mom’s car.”

“Don’t worry about the mirror, Covey. I got you.” He tells her, standing up. He pulls her up by their interlocked hands, and then sneak back downstairs. They go to Margot’s car and Peter unlocks it and opens the passenger’s door for her.

“Thank you.” She tells him with a small smile. “Do you have your license?”

“Probational. I have thirty minutes before I have to get off the road.” He tells her, and she nods. The drive back to her place is quiet, and she only realizes when he stops in front of her house, that she didn’t have to give any sort of directions. “Stay safe, Covey, please? For me?” He asks gently, and she nods.

“Wait.” She says, realizing. “How are you going to get home?”

He shrugs. “It’s not that far. Besides I’m on the track team, L.J. It’ll be practice.” Lara Jean nods, accepting his answer. He gets out the car and she follows suit. Peter comes over to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. “Call me if anything, Covey.”

She nods, suddenly remembering Gen. Oh, god. Gen. How is this any better than what happened with Josh? “Yeah, of course. Thanks for the drive home, Kavinsky.”

Peter grimaces and laughs. “Oh, that’s weird. You’ve never called me that before.”

Lara Jean shrugs. “Isn’t that what you want people to call you?”

“Yeah, I guess.” He puts his hands in his pockets, hunching his shoulders inward. “I’ll see you?”

“We go to the same school, Peter.” She reminds him, and he smirks at her, almost ironically.

“That we do, Covey.” He nods at her once more, before turning around and walking away. She watches him for a couple seconds before turning to go to her house. Out of the corner of her eyes, she sees movement to her left and her head swivels. There on his porch, Josh Sanderson is staring at her with red-rimmed wide eyes. She takes a deep intake of air, but instead of saying anything or worse letting him say anything, she runs up her stairs and rushes inside, shutting the door behind her with a slam.

“Where the hell have you been, Lara Jean Song?” L.J. freezes, turning and facing her sister, wincing as she does. Margot is standing in the middle of the foyer, cell phone in hand. “No, Dad. She just got home. You don’t have to leave work.”

“Oh, God.” Lara Jean groans, going into the living room. Kitty is lying on the couch, watching an episode of Parks and Rec, and L.J. falls down beside her. Kitty in all her ten year old wisdom tells her, “You look like crap.”

Lara Jean glares at her playfully, hitting her with a pillow. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Kitty smiles brightly at her.

“Go upstairs, Katherine.” Margot says, throwing her phone onto the coffee table. Kitty pouts and crosses her arms, and she goes to defend her position on the sofa when Margot gives her one of her famous _I’m serious_ looks.

“Fine.” Kitty grumbles before turning to Lara Jean. “Hope you don’t die.”

L.J. grimaces as she leaves, silently agreeing with her. Oh, God. This is bad. “Are you okay?” Margot asks, falling into the sofa next to her.

“Oh.” Lara Jean pauses, thinking of her minor car accident. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you okay? Wait, that’s a stupid question. Of course, you’re not okay.”

Margot sighs, her shoulders sagging. “No, I’m not. I come downstairs and my boyfriend is kissing my sister, and that’s bad enough, but then she’s screaming no, sounding terrified, and running out the door and then disappears for forty minutes. I was so worried about you, L.J.” Margot says, tears in her eyes.

Lara Jean immediately feels tears in her eyes too. “I don’t know what happened, Go-Go. I was there baking and suddenly he was in front of me and he kissed me. I didn’t…I swear, I wouldn’t ever do that to you.”

Margot nods, a couple tears slipping out of her eyes. “I know, Lara Jean. I know.”

At that, Lara Jean can’t help it: she throws her arms around her big sister and hugs her tightly. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” She repeats a million times, crying – thinking at any second, Margot will push her away and start to yell, but she never does. The only thing her big sister does is hug even tighter.

 

 

 

Summer passes in a blur. The three sisters spend nearly every day together before Margot has to go to Scotland. Josh stays mostly away, although he does try to beg Margot for forgiveness at least three times – all while completely ignoring Lara Jean, which was fine. But with Josh out of her life, Margot pretending nothing was wrong, and Kitty angry at Lara Jean and Margot for _driving_ Josh away, Lara Jean was excited for junior year to finally start.

August ends with her getting her license, Kitty entering middle school, and Margot not turning around after going past security at the airport. The three sisters were now two, and Lara Jean is expected to take on all of Margot’s responsibilities on top of the ones she already had. It’s unfair and a little exhausting, but she tries not to complain. If Margot could do it all, she can at least try to as well.

“So, you’re going to be driving me to school, huh?” Kitty asks resigned, with a frown as they make their way to their dad’s car.

“Hey! It’ll be okay.” Lara Jean says, not at all convincingly.

“Uh, huh.” Kitty responds, slowly. “You know…we could talk to Josh. Maybe he can take us?”

Lara Jean freezes. “No. Sorry, Kitty, but no.” she tells her younger sister. Kitty makes a face at her but doesn’t argue; instead, she jumps into the front seat beside their dad and controls the radio. Meanwhile, L.J. sits in the back, playing random games on her phone and trying not to think of her last kiss.

 

_From Chris:_

_Guess who broke up!_

_Six year couple is NO MORE._

Lara Jean starts, immediately texting Chris for confirmation of the couple.

 

_From Chris:_

_Yeppppp_

_Peter and Gen are dunzo._

_Cousin found a new boyfriend AND apparently Peter told her he loves someone else anyway._

_Fucking scandalous._

_To Chris:_

_Wow._

Lara Jean doesn’t know what else to say. Peter and her didn’t keep in touch after that night, no surprises there, but still. This is completely out of left field – although Gen dating a college guy seems right up her alley. But Peter? In love with someone else?

Crazy.

By the time, they get home, the three Covey’s go their separate ways: their dad to work, Kitty to pick out her clothes for her first day of school, and Lara Jean to her teal hatbox filled with her five love letters. She pulls out two – Josh’s and Peter’s – and rereads them both.

Josh’s is the work of a hormonal thirteen year old, and Peter’s of a lovestruck ten year old. They’re love letters, for sure, but she knows she wasn’t in love with either of them. She knows – or she thought she did – that Josh is in love with Margot, and now, apparently, Peter is in love with someone too.

She tries to ignore the pain rushing up her body, settling somewhere along her throat. She tries to ignore the overwhelming feeling of lost. She tries to ignore the sadness creeping into every cell of her being. Throwing the letters to the side, she grabs a romance novel to pretend – pretend she didn’t lose yet another boy that never belonged to her. The teal hatbox falls to the side, spilling out the three other letters. She knows she has to clean them up and put them away, far from Kitty, but she doesn’t even want to look at them right now.

So she doesn’t.

(Later when Lara Jean is asleep, her blankets gets mixed in with her letters, covering most of them.

All but one.)

Kitty wakes her up early. “Come on, Lara Jean. We have to go.” Her little sister says, jumping onto Lara Jean’s bed. She groans and swats at her sister, tickling her. The little girl screams and runs away, saying, “Hurry. I have fifteen minutes to get there.”

Lara Jean sighs and throws on a big gray hoodie she finds in her closet and a pair of summer shorts. Closing her door, she lugs herself down the stairs slowly, exhausted still. Kitty’s school starts about a week earlier than the high school, and although Lara Jean was okay with the idea of driving Kitty to school previously, now she’s regretting it. Stopping in the kitchen to grab an apple, she goes outside where Kitty’s already waiting in Margot’s car, keys in the ignition. “Ready for your first day, Kit-Kat?”

The almost eleven year old nods. “Yep. I’m so excited. I hope Brittney W. is in my class and not Brittany H..”

“What’s wrong with Brittany H.?”

“Nothing. I just really like Brittney W.” Kitty says shrugging. Not believing her for a second, Lara Jean decides to let it go, too tired to care about sixth grade drama. Suddenly, Kitty gasps, almost dramatically. “Hold on. I forgot my notebook!” she says and races out the car. Lara Jean blinks but accepts the second of rest before Kitty’s back inside, throwing a notebook into her bag. “Okay, let’s go.”

 Taking a deep breath and rubbing her eyes, Lara Jean back out of the driveway and takes Kitty to school, staying at the speed limit the entire way. Kitty talks about random things, but Lara Jean keeps her eyes on the road the entire time almost obsessively.

“Do you believe in forgiveness?” Kitty suddenly asks, and it’s such a weird question, that Lara Jean takes her eyes off the road for half a second.

“Um, yeah, of course. I mean, forgiveness is a good thing.”

Kitty nods, smiling brightly. “I agree.”

Lara Jean squints her eyes at her for another half a second. “Why? What’s going on?” she asks suspiciously.

“Nothing. Gosh. You’re so paranoid.” Kitty shrugs. Lara Jean merely sighs. She’s too tired to understand right now. Turning into the middle school and parking in front, she passes Kitty her lunch and kisses her forehead.

“Go. Learn. Have fun.” She tells her younger sister, who in turn grins.

“I’m proud of you, Lara Jean. You didn’t kill us.” Kitty smirks before rushing out the car when L.J. tries to pinch her. “Bye!” she yells, running at the school entrance. Lara Jean sighs peacefully, watching her sister go inside before restarting her car. She looks to her side mirrors before taking her foot off the brakes and reversing.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” She hears behind her and she slams on the brakes so hard, her seat belt cuts into her skin.

“Ah!” she semi-screams, bringing a hand up to her chest. “Shit.” She mutters looking behind her. A boy her age is coming out from behind her car. “Ugh.” How could she be so stupid? She was reversing. She needs to look backwards, for God’s sakes.

There’s a tap on her window, much like how Peter tapped on her window all the way back in May – during her first car incident. Awkwardly, she turns towards the boy, and with a loud groan, she realizes the tap was _exactly_ like Peter’s. She lowers her window as she experience crazy déjà vu, putting on a tight smile. “Hi!” he says brightly, mockingly.

“Hey, Peter.”

“How are you?” He continues in that same voice.

“Oh, you know…” she trails off, looking away from him. God, she was just thinking about him last night. And Gen! “You?”

“Oh, you know,” he repeats her saying, “was almost run down by someone who has,” he blows out before continuing, “already damaged a car right in front of my eyes once before. Has anyone ever told you you are on a menace on the road? Just curious.”

“Kitty, like every day since I got my license.”

“Did you bribe your instructor or?”

“Ha.” Lara Jean says sarcastically. Looking back at Peter, she notices he is wearing a hoodie and jacket combo that makes him look like a high school heartthrob. It’s incredibly annoying. “Anyway, glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah.” He nods enthusiastically. “Well, try not to kill anyone. Don’t know if I’ll be able to bail you out of that one, especially if it’s me.”

“What are you even doing here, Peter?” Lara Jeans ask, frustrated.

Peter rolls his eyes, leaning down so his arms are pressed around the car. “Dropping off Owen.”

“Oh, right.”

“You know? My little brother? We used to babysit him and Kitty together? I know it’s been like five years, but your memory cannot be that bad.”

“My memory is fine, thank you.” Lara Jean says, maybe a little too sharply before Peter’s smile falls. He nods after a second.

“Good, we need people with good memories. Otherwise, the world will be forever doomed to constantly repeat itself, and not everything needs to be repeat, you know?” Lara Jean raises an eyebrow at him, and he shrugs, looking slightly abash. “Anyways, catch you at school, Covey. Drive safe.”

“You too, Peter.”

Still humiliated, Lara Jean waits until he leaves the parking lot – as well as several other cars – before heading back home. When she gets there, she finds the front door unlock but closed. “Shit.” She mutters for the second time today. She forgot to lock the door behind her earlier. Running up the stairs, she debates whether to go back to sleep or spend the whole day reading about George and Lady Ursa, but when she gets to her room, her door is open. “Um, Dad?” she asks, a little scared.

“No, it’s me.”

Lara Jean freezes and goes into her room. Now she understands why Kitty was asking if she believed in forgiveness -  because she wanted to Lara Jean to forgive someone. The only factor Kitty didn’t even realize she had to think about is that by pure coincidence Lara Jean would have a love letter addressed to that same person on her bed.

She takes in the scene with horror – the ripped envelope, the letter shaking in his hands, his eyes red and confused. “What is this, Lara Jean?” he asks, holding up one of the more personal letters she has ever written. A letter than was never supposed to be read by anyone else, much less Josh Sanderson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh! I know I said yesterday in the comments. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Life happened and then I wrote a long scene and decided it would be better for a different chapter. ANYWAY! Thank you so much for the kind responses! You have no idea how nice it's been to come back after years of not writing and getting told I'm a good writer. It makes me so excited to write more. 
> 
> Please comment! I love reading what you think!


	3. Proposing Things

iii. Kitty is a tiny bit spoiled.

 

The first time Lara Jean kisses a boy, she’s ten years old and staring at the end of an empty bottle. At least two girls giggle and one boy – John Ambrose – audibly groans, but Lara Jean ignores them all to instead swing her head to the right and look at her best friend. She winces when she catches Gen’s glare, strong and pointed, and she tries to come up with an alternative. “I can spin again?” she questions, but her other best friend interjects.

“I’m okay with it.” Peter Kavinsky says, a confident but tentative smile on his face. The boys beside him snicker, pushing his shoulder in obvious mocking, but Peter’s grin doesn’t waver. Looking at him, Lara Jean is reminded that Peter is her best friend – even more so than Gen – and has been since they were in the third grade. This is the boy who has walked her home a million times even though he lives all the way on Glover, the boy who has talked to her about Pokémon more times than she count, the boy who has sat with her in lunch every day for almost two years.

In that moment, she thinks about the fact that he gave her a half used perfume bottle four days ago, all while blushing, and how when she laughed and asked him where the heck he had stolen it, he had flushed and gotten quiet. (Later, she found out it belong to his mother when she came by and ask Lara Jean’s mother for it back.) In that moment, she thinks about the fact that he gave her a diamond ring two days ago, albeit embedded deep within whipped cream on top of a small cake he seemly had baked himself. She thinks about how he had wide eyes when he passed the cupcake and how he had jumped when she thanked him with a smile and took a big bite, her teeth crunching down on something hard. (Later, she found out the ring also belong to his mother, although this did not surprise her at all.)

She thinks about all those moments in the slowest ten seconds of her life and decides: yes, I’m okay with it, too.

Lara Jean moves forward all of one inch to meet Peter, who has already crawled over to her. His shaggy hair gets into his eyes and he gives her another wide smile, which she shyly returns. His eyes, brown with gold, look so inviting, that with a blush, she leans up to kiss him.

She barely notices Gen fume beside her with a loud gasp, but to be fair, she barely notices anything other than Peter Kavinsky.

He brings his hand to her cheek as he gives her the peck, and her face feels incredibly hot when he pulls away, his fingers trailing off her skin slowly. The boys and girls around them whoop and giggle, and she pushes her hair back, giving Peter another smile – who, in turn, beams at her.

In that moment, surrounded by children dying to make fun of them, including one who looks like she wants to be the one doing the killing, looking straight at the boy she has had by her side for two years, Lara Jean realizes she likes Peter. But the absolute best part about that realization is that just by looking at him, with his warm eyes and kind smile, she knows – _knows_ – Peter Kavinsky likes her back.

After their kiss, John Ambrose decides they should play a different game, but his parents decide that maybe it’s time to end the party. So with one final wave at a shy but pleased Peter and an apologetic smile at a quiet and sullen Gen, she finds her mother outside and gives her a big hug before getting into the car. “You look happy, Lara Jean.” She says, and L.J. shrugs, her cheeks coloring.

“Does Peter need a ride home?” Mom asks, nodding past her at the boy. Lara Jean turns excitedly, but her face drops when she sees him and Gen together, walking closely. Gen’s hand is on Peter’s wrist, but Peter isn’t pushing her away. Instead, they walk together to where Gen’s mother’s car is waiting.

“Oh, I guess not.” Lara Jean mutters, shrinking into her seat. Her mother frowns at her and rubs her arm, and she changes the subject to Kitty’s fourth birthday party. L.J. tries to pay attention, but her mind stays on Peter Kavinsky the whole way home. Later on, when she gets there, she goes over the kiss a million times, touching her lips each time. They still tingle even after a while, and every single one of her thoughts is dictated to her the boy who kissed her and the girl he left with.

Six years later, it doesn’t occur to her that she only realized she liked Peter back when their lips had touched. Now, in her bedroom, surrounded by shelves filled with romance books and pillows with faces of popstars and a stuffed dog named after a superhero pun, she just knows she does not like Josh.

“What is this, Lara Jean?” Josh asks, holding up the opened letter and torn envelope. The stationary, a gift from her mother when she was nine, looks young and girly in his hands – all pink and flowery. Lara Jean doesn’t even know what to say. Humiliation runs through her and she takes a step back. Josh looks down, crunching up her letter in his fist accidentally. “I knew I wasn’t…I thought maybe I imagined it all.”

“Josh, I…”

Josh looks up, eyes boring into her. “You like me, Lara Jean.”

She stumbles. “N-no, I don’t.” She tells him honestly, but he shakes his head, waving her crumpled letter.

“Not according to this.”

Lara Jean flushes and tightens her fists at her sides. “That was written a long time ago, Josh. And even if I do or did, why do you care? You chose Margot.”

Josh gives her a harsh look. “No, I didn’t. If anything, she chose me. I wanted to choose you but you didn’t like me.” He waves the letter again, scoffing, “Or I guess you did. You just didn’t tell me.”

She swallows hard . “It doesn’t matter. You are Margot’s.”

“People don’t belong to people, Lara Jean!” Josh tells her, or really, yells at her. She feels tears prick at her eyes, but she does her best to stand her ground. “If you truly feel this way about me, then we can’t just not act on that.” He says softer, defeated.

Lara Jean takes that as a way out. “I don’t feel that way, Josh. Not anymore. I actually have feelings for someone else. We’ve been talking for a while now.” She lies, because she knows even at sixteen, that most guys do not accept girls not liking them back unless there’s another guy involved.

“What?” Josh questions, looking utterly bewildered – and Lara Jean takes it as it seems: how can anyone have feelings for her? “Who?”

Furious and mortified, Lara Jean continues her lie. Seeing Peter Barker from the corner of her eye, she says the first name she can think of. “Peter Kavinsky. We’ve been dating for a couple weeks now.”

“Kavinsky? Really?” Josh asks, both as if he’s mocking her and as if he’s questioning her.

Lara Jean nods, not trusting herself to speak anymore lest anything else slips out. Josh gives her a long, stern look. “I don’t believe you.” He says after a second, and she explodes.

“I don’t care, Josh. You shouldn’t have come inside my room, and you shouldn’t have read that letter!”

“It was addressed to me, Lara Jean!” L.J. sighs angrily and turns around, grabbing her computer from her desk, before exiting her room. “Where are you going?” Josh yells after her as she rushes down the stairs.

“I’m leaving!” she calls out over her shoulder.

He gives out a frustrated scoff. “This is your house!”

Lara Jean ignores him, going out the front door and going back to Margot’s car – well, her car now. She may have gotten this car, several skirts and maybe a jacket second-hand from Margot, but L.J. knows enough to know that Josh shouldn’t be included in that list. Making sure she looks backwards, Lara Jean reverses and takes her time going to the park, where she spends her time writing and reading, until it‘s time to pick up Kitty.

Kitty comes out with a group of friends that all disperse at the end of the parking lot. Smiling, the ten year old jumps into the car. “Hey!” Lara Jean nods at her, lips pressed tightly together.  Kitty frowns. “Oh, no.”

“Yeah. Oh, no indeed.”

Kitty sighs. “You two didn’t make up.” She surmises accusingly, and Lara Jean snaps.

“Katherine, I need you to listen to me. Josh and I are not going to make up. At least, not right now. Please stop trying to force the issue and stop interfering into my life.” L.J. tells her little sister off. Kitty’s face drops and her eyes narrow.

“Okay, _Margot_. Jeeze. You act like I was trying to ruin your life. I was just trying to make everything good again. It’s been three months. Can’t you move on from whatever happened?”

Lara Jean takes a deep breath, putting her hands on the wheel. “Kitty, please, stop. This is the last time I’m going to ask you.”

Kitty sneers. “Whatever.” She mutters under her breath, and Lara Jean rolls her eyes. Turning the car back on, she follows the line of exiting cars. Her eyes look for anyone familiar and she spots him by a black jeep with his little brother. She winces, closing her eyes at the memory of lying to Josh. How she will get out of that one, she doesn’t know. As if hearing her thoughts, Peter suddenly looks over, squinting his eyes at her playfully, making his nose cutely scrunched, before waving at her.

She nods at him, still tense from Kitty and also a little mortified. She’s going to have to come up with an entire drama to fool Josh. How Peter and her met (well, that’s easy: second grade), how they got together (running into each other earlier in the summer and then keeping in touch after he and Gen broke up), and then later so that she’s not caught in a lie, how they broke up (Gen, most likely). Nodding to herself, Lara Jean tells herself to explain that to Josh in a day or so, breakup and all, so that he’ll never know that she lied and Peter isn’t at all accidentally involved.

Yes, that’s what she’ll do.

 

Except then she doesn’t.

In the week before junior year started, Lara Jean spent as little time as possible at home, spending most of her time either at the park or at the Corner Diner. Kitty stubbornly takes the bus every day after their spat, and Lara Jean doesn’t stop her, refusing to talk to her too. Their dad pulls Lara Jean aside the night before her first day of school.

“I need you to take Kitty to school tomorrow. I don’t like the fact that she’s out there at six am by herself.” Dad gives her a look and Lara Jean agrees guiltily.

“Sorry.” She mutters, and Dr. Covey merely shrugs his shoulders in a ‘ _what can you do?’_ gesture.

“You’re the big sister now, Lara Jean. Margot isn’t here to mediate anymore.” He tells her pointedly, and Lara Jean’s shoulder’s fall, a pout on her face. Her dad flicks her nose at her stance, and she gives him a small smile.

“Yes, sir.” L.J. relinquishes, but she knows it won’t be that easy. Kitty may not be a teenager yet, but she acts like one at times – and predictably the next day, Kitty doesn’t talk to her, looking out the window the entire time with a frown. “You need to apologize.” L.J. tells her at a red light.

Kitty scoffs, incredulous. “Me? I tried to fix things!”

“Well, you didn’t!” Lara Jean says, feeling awful. “You should have told me Josh was coming and that he would be in my bedroom, Kitty. You don’t understand… Josh isn’t a friend right now Kitty, and not – not just because Margot and him broke up, but why they broke up. You’re too…” Lara Jean trails off, feeling tears behind her eyes. She pulls off to the side of the road, and Kitty frowns deeply.

“Look,” Lara Jean continues after a second. “I get that you were trying to get things to go back to normal, but right now, I need Josh away from me. I made a mistake and he made a bigger mistake, and now those mistakes are blowing up in our faces. I’m sorry, Kitty.” L.J. tells her little sister, and Kitty looks stricken. A tear falls onto Lara Jean’s shirt, and she wipes her eyes quickly, refusing to cry anymore.

Kitty stays quiet, looking bewildered at her sister’s crying. “Can I trust Josh?” Her little sister finally says, her voice tiny.

Lara Jean turns to her swiftly, ponytail hitting her cheek. “Yes, yes you can.” L.J. assures Kitty, pushing her hair out of her face. “I’m just…I’m not sure I trust him anymore, but not because he’s a bad guy. It’s – god, Kitty. It’s complicated. Maybe one day Josh and I will be okay, but right now we’re not. I hope you understand.”

Kitty sighs. “I don’t. At all. But,” she nods. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Lara Jean smiles weakly at her, and after a deep breath, goes back onto the road. The two girls are silent for a couple minutes, although the tension has lessen considerably. “You know what you need, Lara Jean?” Kitty says as they pull into her school. “A boyfriend.”

L.J. scoffs. “Boys, my dear, are so much more trouble than they are worth.”

“Yeah,” Kitty relents, shrugging. “But they’re fun.”

Lara Jean narrows her eyes at her little sister as she pulls up to the middle school. “And how would you know?”

Kitty flushes, opening the car door. “Gosh, Lara Jean, it’s not a secret.” The ten year old gives her a sister a small smile before she shuts the door. Lara Jean blinks at her hasty retreat, thinking back to when she was ten years old and getting her first kiss. Sighing, L.J. tries to ignore the bad feelings Josh’s name evokes and drives to school. She barely has two minutes before first bell when she arrives.

Waving at a few kids loitering by the front entrance, Lara Jean makes her way into the school – both glad to be back because of its familiarity and sad because of all the change. “Well, look who finally arrived!” She hears before being side-tackled into a hug.

“Oh, God.” Lara Jean laughs but returns the hug, turning to one of her best friends. “Chris!” she says excitedly, and the other girl grabs her hand, pulling her to the junior wing.

“Dude. You’re never late. I’m impressed.”

L.J. flushes. “I’m not late. I have two minutes to get to homeroom.”

Chris snorts. “For you, that’s late. Come on, let’s go. I hope we have some classes together.”

Going to the junior board that holds all the schedules, Chris and Lara Jean find out they have four classes together, although not homeroom. Sneaking a peek at the other schedules that still haven’t been picked up, Lara Jean finds Peter Kavinsky’s schedule and notes they also have four classes together – as well as homeroom. “Look at Gen’s.” Chris says, blocking anyone’s view of Lara Jean.

“The three of us have English together. You have Spanish with her, and I have History with her. Great. But she’s in neither of our homerooms, so that’s a plus.”

The bell rings then. “Speaking of.” Chris smirks, pointing her finger at the bell. “See you in English, L.J.”

Lara Jean nods at her, almost rushing towards her homeroom – excited for the day. She gets there before the second bell, sitting properly in the second row as other kids file in. Peter Kavinsky slides in just as the bell rings, giving Mrs. Harrison a large grin as she was closing the door. Their teacher rolls her eyes but doesn’t say anything.

And in that moment, that exact moment as she watches Peter go towards the back of the class where Gabe and a couple track kids are sitting, that Lara Jean remembers she never fake broke up with him – and as far as Josh know, Peter and her are still dating. “Oh, no.” Lara Jean mutters under her breath, bringing her head down on the desk.

It’s all she thinks about during homeroom, and then when she goes to her second period and her third. She sees Peter again in English, and she knows she either has to give him a heads up or find Josh asap. But the first day of school makes things too hectic, and most of English is spent assigning seats. Gen and Chris are next to each other, but Lara Jean is in the front row. Peter sits in the row next to her, but one seat in front.

He’s too far to whisper to, and it makes Lara Jean incredibly anxious that he’s so close yet so far. What if Josh has already spoken to him? What if that’s why he was almost late to homeroom – because Josh stopped him and quizzed him on whether he was dating her?

At the end of English, Chris and her walk to Lunch A, thankful they also have that in common.  “This year is gonna suck. After lunch, I have Spanish and another dose of Gen. I swear if Senorita González assigns seats in alphabetical order, I will scream.”

Lara Jean smiles weakly at her, hopefully sympathizing in her distractedness. She swallows when she see Peter at his locker alone, shoving some books in. “Hey, I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll catch up inside.” She says to Chris, who raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, I’ll go with you.”

“No, no. You go. Find a good table.” Lara Jean says, all but pushing her into the cafeteria. Chris gives her a strange look but does as she’s told. Steeling herself with a deep breath, Lara Jean goes over to Peter who has closed his locker and is now looking at his phone.  “Hey Kavinsky.” L.J. greets him nervously, and Peter looks up, grimacing immediately.

“Seriously, it sounds so weird when you call me that.”

“It’s what you want people to call you.” Lara Jean argues for the second time, momentarily forgetting why she was there.

“Yeah, but not you, Covey.”

Lara Jean gives him a pointed look. “You’re so confusing sometimes, Peter.” She says before shaking her head. “Anyway! That’s not why I’m here.”

Peter raises an eyebrow, leaning against the locker. “Oh?”

“Yeah, um.” She stutters, realizing she has nothing planned. Does she tell Peter the truth about the whole situation? Tell him if Josh asks, they’re madly deeply in love? And also that they just broke up?

And then –

From down the hall, she sees him. Anger runs through her, because of course, _of course_ , Josh would come and call her bluff. She knew the second she told him it was Peter that eventually he would confront him. Granted he looks surprised to see them, but probably because he thinks she’s lying. Turning to look Peter in the eye, she does the first thing that comes to mind to convince Josh she’s in a relationship with Peter Kavinsky: she kisses him.

“Whoa.” Peter mutters against her lips when she jumps up to reach him, and it’s like an instant kick in the stomach. She’s kissing him in almost the same manner Josh kissed her – with no consensus. A surprise attack. Horrified, she instantly breaks the kiss, but doesn’t get very far before Peter is pulling her back to him. His arms wrap around her waist, engulfing her completely, and he leans down to kiss her full on.

Her first thought – the most overwhelming thought – is that he smells amazing. His lotion or cologne is invading all her senses, and it makes her melt into the kiss. Her second thought, is that this is her first quote unquote _real_ kiss. She’s only ever gotten pecked before, but this – this is a kiss. One of his hands comes up to her cheek, cradling it, as he sucks her bottom lip in between his. She makes a small noise and he pulls her closer, deepening the kiss. He licks her lip, putting a little bit of pressure with his tongue, and she opens her mouth. At the first brush, she shivers, gripping his arm, and his arm around her waist pulls her up.

Her feet leave the ground for a couple seconds as he swings them around so that she’s up against the lockers. “Well, shit.” Some girl says, giggling under her breath as she passes. Lara Jean and Peter break away, and she looks at him and then around the hallway with wide eyes.

Right. It’s lunch time. People were going to the caf. People were watching them.

Josh was watching them.

Remember the reason she kissed Peter in the first place, she looks over to where he was before but doesn’t see him. “Jesus, Covey. I wasn’t expecting that.” Peter says, eyes dark and wide. Lara Jean flushes even redder than she currently is.

“Uh huh. Me either.” She mutters, trying to catch her breath.

Her pink lip-gloss is on his lips, she realizes, and it makes a shiver of _something_ run through her body. They stare at each other, neither saying anything for what could have been the slowest thirty seconds of her life, before Lara Jean gingerly picks up her backpack that had at one point slipped off her shoulders. With a shaky nod, she leaves him. “Wait, Lara Jean. Where are you…” She hears him say after her, but she goes on autopilot to the ladies room – realizing too late, as always, that she just made things so much worse.

 

They see each other again in History, but nothing is said between them. People keep staring at both of them, and she hears snippets of gossip:

_“She jumped him.”_

_“He lifted her and she put her legs around his waist. Jesus, we’re at school.”_

_“I heard they went into the janitor’s closet afterwards.”_

And of course:

_“I wonder what Gen will say.”_

Lara Jean hadn’t even figured in Gen in this whole mess, but now in History with both of them – one avoiding her eye and the other looking murderous – she can’t help but have a slight panic attack. She barely listens to anything her teacher says, her mind out of it. She cannot help but think of the kiss – his lingering smell, his fingers on her cheek, the arm around her waist – the same one that later picked her up like it was nothing. She didn’t expect her first French kiss this morning, and she certainly didn’t expect it to happen in front of an audience.

Class ends, and with that, school does as well. Racing out of her seat, she goes to her locker, keeping her head down to all the stares. She deposits the books she doesn’t need and takes ones she does as quickly as possible before rushing to her car.

(Although if she would have known someone was waiting for her there, she might have taken her time.)

He’s leaning on her hood, hand gripping his backpack strap, head facing downwards. He looks serious – too serious – and when he notices her, he gives her a wry smile. “Hey, killer.” Peter says, sounding oddly disappointed.

“Hi.” Lara Jean all but squeaks out. Clearing her throat, she tries again in her normal voice. “Hey about before –”

“I talked to Sanderson, Lara Jean.” Peter interrupts her, and her shoulders and face fall. She lets out a sad sigh, tightening her hands into fists at her sides.

“I can explain.” Lara Jean says, but her tone gives her away. She doesn’t know how to even start explaining.

Peter exhales, blowing the air out harshly. “Do you have feelings for Sanderson, Lara Jean? For real. No bullshit, please.”

For some reason, Lara Jean’s heart starts to race. “No, I don’t, but…” And she’s not sure why she tells him the truth. Maybe to give herself an excuse as to why she picked Peter Kavinsky of all people. “He’s been…um. Coming on to me is the wrong phrase, but something like that. He thinks I have feelings for him, so I told him I didn’t and he didn’t believe me so I told him I was dating someone. I had just seen you earlier so your name popped in my head.”

Peter looks away, jaw set. Lara Jean shifts, feeling awful. “I’m sorry.” She whispers. “I realized I did the same thing he did to me to you. That’s why I broke the kiss.” Peter nods, biting his lower lip but doesn’t say anything. “This wasn’t planned. I was going to tell you about everything and ask if you could… lie.” Lara Jean doesn’t finish her explanation, realizing how stupid it sounds.

He looks at her, shrugging. “It’s okay.”

Lara Jean shakes her head. “No, it’s not.”

“I’ll live, Covey. Relax.” Peter says, rolling his eyes.

L.J. nods, taking her ponytail out of its scrunchie. She runs a hand through her hair nervously, frowning. “I’m assuming you told Josh the truth?”

Peter gives her a hard calculating look, and she tries to suppress the shiver that goes through her. “He came up to me, told me he didn’t realize you and I were dating, so I asked him why he cared, and he gave me this whole speech about how you two are working stuff out and how you two need to talk without me interfering and it was all so borderline psycho that I told him to back the fuck off.” Peter rolls his eyes again, getting off of Margot’s car. “So, no. I didn’t tell him the truth. If anything, I really let him believe we’re dating. Although heads up, if he asked, we got together early this summer when I took you home that one time.”

Lara Jean’s hair falls in front of her eyes and she gives him a relieved look. “That’s what I would have told him, too.” She tells him in a soft admission, and Peter snorts. “We can break up now, I guess. If it’s okay with you that we had a summer romance?”

Peter glares at her, playfully this time – his anger has melted away and has been replaced with resignation. “But I didn’t even get any of the benefits. What’s a summer romance if you don’t get to watch The Notebook seventeen times?”

“I mean, that can be arranged if you want.”

Peter gives a short laugh. “Oh, good. If anything comes from this day, it better be that I get to see Ryan Gosling’s face a million times.”

“I’m sorry.” Lara Jean sighs out. “You broke up with me, okay? I’m a terrible person, and you realized that and you couldn’t stand me.”

“Too true, I broke up with you. I’m incredible. I was a wonderful boyfriend. Wrote you notes every day, told you how beautiful you look, bought you flowers and teddy bears.”

Lara Jean smiles. “Well, you did win me a puppy once.”

“Ah!” Peter’s eyes light up. “Peter Barker. My greatest pun. I did that, too.”

 Shaking her head, she pushes Peter’s shoulder with her own. “We’re good?”

“Yeah, Covey, we’re fine.” Peter said, laughing – again, sounding more resigned than anything.   “But uh, hold one a second.” He says suddenly, grabbing her arm lightly. Lara Jean jumps a little, shocked by the touch, and looks down at his hand. Big with long fingers, she casually notices his hands are really nice. “You realize Josh is never going to believe all this, right? That we got together, was able to see us kiss, and then immediately broke up? I barely believe it, Covey.”

Lara Jean sighs. “What do you suggest I do Peter? I can’t force you to be my boyfriend.”

Peter sucks in his bottom lip, giving her a look that makes her feel like he’s mocking her. “Listen, Gen is giving me shit too, okay? She wants to get back together and I’m not interested. If she knew I had a girlfriend, then maybe she’ll back off, y’know?” he says, with raised eyebrows.

Lara Jean blinks at him. “I don’t actually want to be your girlfriend, Peter Kavinsky.”

Peter rolls his eyes. “Thanks.” He says dryly. “We can pretend for a while, Covey. Gets Creeper Sanderson off your back and Stalker Gen off mine, yeah?”

L.J. pauses, looking away from him. She slowly walks to the driver’s door. “How is that a good idea in any way?” she finally asks, and he shrugs at her.

“I don’t know. Would you rather Josh find out you made our epic romance up?”

She narrows her eyes at him. “You wouldn’t.”

Peter laughs – an action that lights up his face. He looks weirdly free. “No, Covey. I wouldn’t. Only to save my own reputation, of course.” He winks at her, and she pushes his shoulder again, rolling her eyes. “Think about it, Lara Jean. Mutually beneficial.”

She sighs before getting into the car, turning it on. Peter closes the door behind her and she rolls down the window. “Let’s say we do this plan of yours. It won’t be believable if you don’t actually act like my boyfriend.”

He agrees. “You’re right. The Ryan Gosling marathon will be at my house this Friday.”

She shakes her head with a small smile. “No, like, we have to look like a couple.”

“Okay. That means you have to come to my lacrosse games and parties.”

“Sounds terrible.” She says, grimacing dramatically at him. “Fine. Then you would have to pick me and my little sister up and take us to school.”

“Only if Owen can come, too.”

“Obviously.”

“Then, deal. Anything else?”

“Uh.” Lara Jean pauses. This is dangerously close to sounding like an actual ‘deal’ than a hypothetical. “We would have to treat each other with kindness.” She adds, because they have unfortunately struggled with it in the past.

Peter frowns. “We used to be best friends, Lara Jean. I know how to treat you.” He brings his arms over the rolled window and says, “I’ll send you notes every day. They’ll show how nice I can be.” He says with a proud smile, and she rolls her eyes again.

“So nice.” She repeats with a smile, sarcastically. “Okay, then. I will…um. I don’t know. What else is there to do in a relationship? You’re the expert here.”

“My boy brain is sending me a lot of dirty visuals.”

“Peter!”

“But! Instead of any of those, how about you go to the ski trip with me at the end of the year? Even if we’re not still kicking it fake style. It’ll be fun to reconnect.”

Lara Jean hesitates. The ski trip is three months away, and it’s not like she and Peter have to stay together forever to trick Josh and Gen. “Sure.” She promises vaguely before taking a deep breath. “So we’re doing this? Are you sure?”

Peter smirks at her. “Get ready to see the best boyfriend ever.”

Lara Jean scoffs at him, a smile on her face. “Please. You have nothing on Ryan Gosling.”

He clutches his heart dramatically, stepping away from her car. “Wow. Way to hit me where it hurts, Covey. I mean, you’re not wrong, but seriously. Savage.” She laughs at him and he grins at her. “I’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early.” He says, saluting her a goodbye. She nods, feeling her face get a little hot.

 

The next morning, Peter Kavinsky and his little brother pick up Lara Jean and Kitty – with a coffee with two sugars for Lara Jean, an orange juice for Kitty (and Owen), and a box of donuts for all four of them. “I wanted to do something nice.” Peter explains with a shrug.

In the back seat, Kitty smirks. “Now this is something I can get used to.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should stop promising uploads haha. Once again, my apologies. Family drama never stops. 
> 
> As for the story, I went back and forth with the faking dating au (except not au) of the TATBILB universe before deciding it's too big of a plot point to ignore. Hope you guys liked it! We're officially at the half way point!
> 
> xx Sandra


	4. A Plea

Hey everyone, 

I know you're expecting a new chapter, and I wish this was what that was. I loved writing this fic, and I truly miss it. Unfortunately I haven't been doing too well, and well, I need help.

It’s a humiliating thing asking for help, but there it is…

I need help.

The truth is that I’m not in a good place right now, and neither is my mother. She’s the one I care more about. She’s the reason I’m doing this plea. See, my father passed away November 22, 2016, and then one year later on November 5th, 2017, my grandmother died rather violently and my mother had to be the one who decided to “pull the plug” so to speak. It was traumatizing. I was only a passenger that day, and I can’t think about it. The fact that my mother, who had so recently experienced death, had to do it again with her mother was heart wrenching.

I’ll be honest: I quit my job in May of this year. It was exhausting and it was customer service and it was all consuming. I couldn’t breathe most days. I didn’t see anyone. Since it was a movie theatre job, I worked nights and slept days. It was like I was a ghost, to my friends, to my family, to my mother. 

Around this time, her depression was worse than ever, so I quit my job. I have been in and out of jobs since, and it’s been humiliating being an adult and not being able to hold a job. That being said, this isn’t about me. This is about my mother.

She’s not doing well. We’re not doing well. Money is tight - as in maybe we’ll have $40 dollars to eat with for two weeks after she pays rent, the car, insurance, utilities, etc. There have been days I eat only one meal because I don’t have anything to cook at home. We don’t have money for anything. We rely on coupons and sales.

This month my mother, because of stress and a previous ailment, has gotten bad vertigo. This causes her to feel dizzy with every movement. She can’t turn one way or another without feeling like she’s going to fall. Her doctor has told her not to work until the end of December. Unfortunately, this means that the meager money we had coming in has disappeared. We don’t have a way to pay rent this Christmas, going into the new year. She will most likely have to return to work even though she’s sick, while I try to sustain us the best I can on a minimum wage job. 

I don’t know who to turn to for help. All I know is that I need help. I don’t want my mother to keep crying. Please consider donating. Anything you can. We’re so lost and alone and fucking devastated by these deaths. It’s like we can’t move forward. It’s so humiliating to admit, but we have nothing. I have a bank statement of negative 40 dollars, and she has 64 dollars between three cards. And that’s all we have until mid-January. If you can, please help.

 

https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-us-this-winter

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn't help but write this! I read the first book when it came out, but the movie sparked my obsession. I'm going to complete this series pretty quickly, fingers crossed. When I saw that there were hardly any stories about Peter and Lara Jean, I figured I would have to write my own!


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